yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize