she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
