i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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