next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
