the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
