I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
