I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
