Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
