Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
