u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize