omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
