Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
