well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
