I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
