I wanna bring you to show and tell
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
