The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
