did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
this will be a night to untag.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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