i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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