i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
