she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
