I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Mom said you looked used
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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