There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
