if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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