oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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