I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
