I love black thongs
I'm really into asian looking animals
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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