Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
