Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
