"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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