At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
