i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
