In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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