Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
