...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I wish there were birth control emojis
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
