Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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