Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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