Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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