Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
