So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
