My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
