Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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