Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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