I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
