dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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