if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
