you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
