Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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