Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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