I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
