hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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