Christians are straight up FREAKS
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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