then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
