so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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