If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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