I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
