Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
