Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
